A Cry For Help

I'm looking for a story. Why aren't I posting on spnstoryinders, you ask? Because it isn't spn/j2 fic, it's Hercules/Xena. Since it isn't my fandom, and I'm just looking for the one story, I will never come across it randomly because I am not reading anything else in that universe, have never even seen the shows.
So, any closet Hercules fans out there? (Didn't see it listed in anyone's Interests). Who is the chellexxx for that fandom?

The story I'm looking for is suicidal!Iolaus (what a surprise). It was longish, hurt/comfort. I *think* Iolaus was kidnapped and there was some noncon. After he was rescued Hercules and Xena were taking care of him. The two were sitting by a fire, old friends, tired, leaning on one another. Iolaus was feverish/hallucinating, decided they were supposed to be together and he was supposed to be dead, so he snuck off to Aphrodite's temple and stabbed himself. The Goddess of Love was Not Happy at the bloodshed in her sanctuary.

I haven't found it on Delphi, AO3, or I read this story in the dark old days (circa 2001) before there were a lot of fanfiction archives, when this (NSFW) was my only resource for this sort of fic. I think I probably got there via that site, but not directly.

Long shot, but I thought I'd try anyway.

Um, anyone who helps me will be thanked profusely on the next suicidal!sam update.

ETA: I mean the fandom is Hercules/Xena. The story is Hercules/Iolaus

11x22: more questions than answers

[I totally lack the discipline, time, and writing ability to deliver any meaningful episode commentary. But I could not let this one pass.]

1. Who ARE these people?

2. Why was landing in the Middle Ages such a dealbreaker for Clea, unless the show is suggesting that Europe was the only inhabited part of the planet between the fifth and fifteenth centuries? And even if it was, am I to believe a powerful witch wouldn't be able to throw up a glamour to appear any way she wanted to? Their real problem is going to be their horrible accents.

3. I really appreciate that Crowley and Rowena still loathe each other. I like it that Lucifer may have bought in to Chuck's excuses for lousy parenting, while Crowley never fell for Rowena's.

4. Ever since the boys got the bunker, I have worried about them losing it. Considering the role of fire in their lives, and the fact that the bunker contains a library, and the fact that every single baddie in their universe knows about it, I worry a lot about it burning down. When Amara showed up, I was more worried about the real estate than the characters.

5. On seeing the Mark appear on Sam's arm, I realized that, somebody, somewhere, is going to be writing threesome Sam/Dean Amara fic . . . unless they already have

6. Am I the only one who wished Amara had said, "No, he's just mostly dead"?

7. Did Chuck really dump Becky Rosen because of her "vibrant sexuality?" And how does Sam feel about being "rebound guy" for God?

7A. The fist time we met Becky, Chuck contacted her to convey a message (to the Winchesters). Angels are messengers. The last we heard of her, she had uploaded the unpublished Winchester gospels. If this show had any continuity, she would be the next Scribe of God.

8. I'm going to go watch Ghostfacers now.

Also, I would like to thank borgmama1of5 for pointing me towards some good reviewers/recappers*) because frankly, reading reviews was more enjoyable than most of what I watched this season.



Updates/Additions to Suicidal Sam - Compendium I & II- May 2, 2016

[It's been another good year (for us, not necessarily for Sam.]

Updates/Additions to Suicidal Sam - Compendium I - May 2, 2016

15 stories added:


And The Light Shows How Broken You Are by Celestialfeathers
This is Sam Winchester's life. Take it as you will.

A Second To Last Chance by AngstyAly
Sam Winchester shot himself nine years ago, leaving Adam and Dean to pick up the pieces of their lives and take on their father's hunt for the yellow-eyed demon. Now they've been zapped back into the past, just in time to stop their teenage brother from pulling the trigger. WIP

Doesn't go to Stanford AU

Fade by InTheCompanyOfDragons Sam knows he has dreams outside of hunting... His escape is the acceptance letter in the bottom of his bag. But he can't leave his family. His choice to stay leads to a whole new world of pain for the Winchester's, leaving them to wonder of Sam should have left his family behind him. finished May 1 2016 :)


Five Times Dean Doesn't Kill Sam and One Time Sam Begs Him to (again) by sarahjeanne21<5 + 1 set in season 5, directly from the point they're zapped onto the plane. There are some miscommunication after the voicemail, Sam thinks Dean wants to kill him. WIP

Testing Lucifer's promise

Come On, Oblivion by gothpandaotaku
Dean's left him, and well... Sam has nothing but Oblivion to look forward to.

Each Our Own Devil by tohereandnow (also here)
I will kill myself before letting you in. And I'll just bring you back. Sam takes Lucifer at his word and Dean kills monsters. They learn that they keep each other human. Set primarily after 5x03 and 5x04.

Knocking on Death's Door by dark_shadow85Sam's depressed after he finds out he's Lucifer vessel. During Dean's time in the future. Sam decides to test Lucifer's theory and see if he really will bring him back, but the angels find him first and refuse for the 'tainted one' to complete such a sinful action. Once Dean comes back and tries to call Sam, Sam doesn't answer.

It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore

Crazy by gothpandaotaku
Post 7x2 "Hello Cruel World. Hallucifer encourages Sam to put a bullet in his head one more time. This time, Sam listens.
Dean has other ideas.

Skin by DeansUnderageBoyfriend
Dean left Sam alone at another trashy motel. That's alright with Sam, until Lucifer starts taunting him. He can handle it though, he just needs to hold out until Dean gets back. Right?


Nothing But The Truth by glowystars325
While on a hunt, Sam accidentally gets more than he bargained for when he asked for the truth.

Sam and the Eternal Quest for Absolution by sarahjeanne21
Sam's guilt is eating him inside out and he likes his brother a little too much. WIP


Fallout by hwficjournal
From Prompt: I want Cas! Lucifer raping Sam in the bunker. I want Lucifer taunting Sam how it is his fault that he had to possess Castiel because he wouldn't say yes. I want Dean finding Sam later battered and raped. Then I want a lot of hurt Sam and comforting Dean. If you can throw an attempted suicide there it'd be awesome but it isn't necessary.

None of the Above ALL of the Above

Deep in the Meadow by AFlushedKindOfLover
If Sam was quite honest with himself, there were a lot of things he was afraid of. Losing Dean, losing his autonomy, relapsing on demon blood.
But really, the worst thing he was afraid of was himself.

Let It Go by anon
From prompt:When Sam stepped out of hunting after the leviathans, he thought he was making the right call. Everyone gets to retire sometime, right? Even priests? He'd served an eternity of torture in Hell, come out of it only watch his entire family killed - even people like his grandfather he'd never had a chance to know. Lost his mind when the only angel he believed in broke it wide open. Fought evil so huge and powerful that destroying it took away his father figure, took away his brother, took away the angel, took away his future - he couldn't even go into any big city after the killing spree the leviathans had gone on wearing his and Dean's faces. Back at the height of being crazy, he'd wanted to kill himself, and the feeling had never really gone away, of being trapped, doomed. He couldn't kill himself, that would be unforgivable, might even send him back to hell. Dean was already getting his retirement up in heaven; surely Sam deserved the same on earth?

But apparently, he thought wrong. Dean's words cut him to the core; there's no out of this life, there's never going to get to be one. Dean doesn't need him, can barely stand to be around him, told him in one year a monster was better at being a brother than him. So Sam's done the unforgivable already; what's one more unforgivable thing?

Someone - Cas, Benny, Kevin, even Dean - realizes how close Sam is to killing himself, and how starved he's been for feeling loved and valued. Can be sex or just kissing and physical contact.

Sam in the Fog by excoyote(also here)

Sam feels distant and disconnected from his emotions. He decides to end his life. Dean brings him back to himself.

Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II

Added 1 story.

It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore

Unsteady by HalfwayToHell
Soon after Sam's soul is returned to his body and he becomes plagued with hallucinations of Lucifer, Sam isn't sure how much longer he can take it. Sam doesn't see a reason to keep fighting anymore and this leaves Dean ripped open.


theme: Thanksgiving

Ok, not exactly a theme. Honorable mention, maybe? Here are two suicidal!Sam stories that play out on Thanksgiving.*

untitled by reading_is_in for this ohsam prompt: Dean's actions in "Southern Comfort" send Sam spiraling back into his season five headspace. On Thanksgiving, he decides to kill himself and Dean walks in just before he can do it.

Choices by rainbobetty on AO3, for the same prompt.
Sam hadn’t made mistakes. He’d made choices. Now, with the gun pointed at his head, there was really only one clear choice left to make.

*USA Thanksgiving, because that's what the boys would know. I am aware Canada has one, too. I suppose J2 have spent so much time in Vancouver that they must celebrate both!

Updates/Additions to Suicidal Sam - Compendium I & II- November 2, 2015

[Because reasons. ALL the reasons.]

10 stories added, plus: New Category! All of the Above

A special note on sammehsayum's Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar, because I feel like I need to explain why this is only just now getting on the list.
I don't list stories unless I've actually read them. I'd never read Baba..., despite the fact that every single person who tags or recs suicidal!sam includes this story. I was put off 1) by the title and 2) the fact that it was so popular . . . I harbor deep suspicions about anything that is very popular . . . which was pretty dumb in this case; I should have trusted my fellow suicidal!sam aficionados! I never even got the hint after reading and enjoying her excellent (eating-disordered!sam) Brittle. Anyway, it is here, go read it!

Also, thoughts on Season 10/Season 11 based stories:
[Season 10] I find it interesting that when we finally got what we've all been craving - a whole filmed scene of Sam doggedly carving himself up with a knife, for Dean's own good - there weren't a whole lot of writers picking that up and running with it. A few, sure, but not many. I'm wondering if having it up there on screen somehow sucked the joy out of it all.
[Season 11] Haven't seen any suicidal!sam/Season 11 fic yet (please share if you know any!) - but it seems to me the looming Empty should be really appealing to Sam. As much as I love all things suicidal!sam, I do have to question why someone would commit suicide if he was 100% certain that Hell existed and was 99% sure that that was where he was headed. But oblivion is another thing entirely. And knowing Dean can't drag him back would be a huge plus.


What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.

Testing Lucifer's promise

Cognitive Realignment by Blue_Jay
To Sam, Dean is everything he needs and doesn't need to be. The amulet showed that and when Sam needed verification that what was going on in his head was really just his imagination, all he had to do was look to his brother and it was there, a constant reminder. And it was always with them, every second of every day.
Until it wasn't.

I started the Apocalypse

Last Good Deed by sometimesspn
After Dean goes to Hell, Sam just wants to do one thing right. And then there's Ruby. And then there's blood. And he just wants to do one thing right. And then Lucifer's out. And he figures it out.

It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore

Always Keep Fighting by sammiephillips
Sam's being tormented by Lucifer in Bobby's panic room and Dean deals with the aftermath.

Sympathy for the Devil by FloofeyMarshmallow
Dean walked into the bathroom and did not see what he expected to see. Sam, his baby brother, Sammy, was laying on the ground, unconscious with blood pouring from his wrist at an alarming rate.

The Penny Dropped

Be Free by Lady_Akuma_Wolf
AU from end of Southern Comfort. Sam takes Dean's words to heart, his mind throwing in its own two cents. Believing it is what will make Dean happy, Sam runs and becomes untraceable until it is almost too late. Dean calls in any help he can to find his brother, including angelic assistance. But finding someone with the knowledge Sam has, and who doesn't want to be found, the remaining members of Team Free Will better pull out all the stops, and fast. Sastiel

What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.


Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar by sammehsayum
When Dean Winchester was four years old he almost lost his younger brother for the first time to a fire. When Dean Winchester was eighteen he almost lost his brother a second time to a full bathtub and a pack of sleeping pills, citing some decidedly unbrotherly feelings in his suicide note. At twenty-two he's about to lose him for a third time to Stanford University.

Remove All The Pieces One By One by Blue_Jay
"I've been watching to make sure you won't kill yourself since you were twelve. I haven't really succeeded either."

None of the Above All of the Above

Because reasons. ALL the reasons.

Coping by HCAddict
S10. Sam ponders some of the hurtful things Dean has said over the years. He feels hopeless.

No Dominion by center_galaxy
Sam's lost a lot of things in his life--his chance at a normal life, his lovers, and now his health--but with Sarah's death weighing on him, he's also losing hope. It's up to Dean to change that.

Shots by gothpandaotaku
After the events of Dark Dynasty Sam comes to the realization, with the help of a bottle of whiskey, that he can't watch another person he cares about die. So he'll take the one to blame out of the equation: himself.

None of the Above

Sticks and Stones by center_galaxy
Words can never be unsaid. Choices can never be unmade. And forgiveness is never as easy as saying sorry.

Updates/Additions to the Suicidal!Sam Compendium II

Added 6 stories.

It Ends When You Can't Take It Anymore

Screaming Silence by whovianonakayak
With the devil in his mind, Sam can't take it anymore. Will Sam's life end at the end of a gun, and will he be behind the trigger?

None of the Above

In The Old House On The Corner by ErinisMagic
In the old house on the corner, there lived a man...

Lethe by Nicolive
It had the power to drown people, to let them die in peace, wiping away their memories of life, and taking away the threat of Hell or Heaven. If you died in the river Lethe, you would truly die in peace, never to feel the sting of your soul moving on.

Over the Edge by EstrellaQueAdmiro
Sam is beating himself up over Charlie's death and Dean is piling on the blame. But how much can the younger Winchester take?

Something You Can't Replace by Er-BearG32
What happens if more was said between Sam and Dean at the end of episode 9x13? Sam never expected his brother to react the way he did, but once more hurtful words are spoken between them, there's no taking them back.

The Darkness in Sam Winchester by CallaLee
Sam has finally taken the last steps toward the end of his life.


The four hard truths about spnkink_meme Pinboard

1) There is nothing new on spn_kinkmeme Pinboard. This is due to no fault of the generous contributors or mods, but only to my habit of checking it for updates upwards of twenty times a day.

2) If there is something new, it is not my kink.

3) If there is something new, and it is my kink, it is WIP.

4) If there is something new, and it is my kink, and it is not WIP, it is nice and long and well-written and I am walking out the door and don't have time to read it!