ex-bettenoire (ithuriel788) wrote,

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Suicidal Sam - Compendium I

303 stories, give or take. Updates are May 2 and November 2.

Note that for some categories, the link goes to another page, and for some it expands a cut.

Remember, stories linked here are the stories where Sam survives, or, at least, the optimistic reader can reasonably interpret that he does.

For the seriously downer stories, go to Suicidal Sam Compendium II (death!fic) ("I can't recommend those without knowing that you have tissues, ice cream and a kitten at hand for aftercare" - casey679)

ALSO - please read warnings for individual stories, especially if you are squicked by Wincest. The stories I have listed under UST/Wincest are categorized that way because the relationship tension is a main part of the reason that Sam is suicidal. Stories in other categories may still contain Wincest of an incidental nature.


*before* losing Jessica, starting the Apocalypse, or getting Lucifer for a roommate

Doesn't go to Stanford AU

In which hopes and dreams are crushed

After the Asylum

"Don't be afraid. I'm going to make you all better."

Dean's Deal

In which Sam is left to his own devices

Can't Stop the Music

Heat of the Moment

You're my brother. I would die for you.


So Dean Won't Have To Do It



There's no going back.

Testing Lucifer's promise

The only way to win is cheat.

I started the Apocalypse

and all I got were these lousy Enochian sigils.

I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself king of

infinite space, were it not that I have bad dreams


Always Keep Fighting by sammiephillips
Sam's being tormented by Lucifer in Bobby's panic room and Dean deals with the aftermath.

And On We Go by center_galaxy
“I promise you,” He continues, fingering tightening ever so slightly on the trigger. “Everything is going to be okay.”

Becoming the Devil by fuckyeahlucifersupernatural
Lucifer is trapped in the Cage, but it hardly matters. You don’t need the Devil to become the Devil.

Breathe Into Me by hidden_messages
“Of course it’s your fault; you’re Sam Winchester.”

Crazy by gothpandaotaku
Post 7x2 "Hello Cruel World. Hallucifer encourages Sam to put a bullet in his head one more time. This time, Sam listens. Dean has other ideas.

Desirable by AquilaTempestas
Faced with inescapable torture, Sam contemplates suicide.

Devil Made Me Do It by Marianna Morgan
He had awoken to Lucifer's off-key singing – Sam couldn't even remember what song now – and had laid there on the lumpy mattress; his head resting on the flat pillow as he had gripped the sheet that covered him...and had figured today was as good as any day to finally end it.
Because after six months, he couldn't take it anymore.

Devil's Ridin' Shotgun by Welcome to my House of Mirrors
Without moving his gaze from the living room entryway, Sam held the thumb and forefinger of his right hand under his chin.

Don't Let Go by HPSmallCharm29
He had only been gone for 5 fucking minutes.

Don't Wanna Pull You Down by Sebe
Season 6. Unbalanced!Sam. Dean just wants Sam to get better. Sam just wants Dean to be happy.

Happily Ever After by ninhursag
Sam found old scars on his wrists, the ones that told him this wasn't the first time he'd tried this.

heart keeps beating like a hammer by The_Bookkeeper (also here</b>)
Sam isn't suicidal, exactly. He just sometimes considers his options.

His Master's Voice by de_nugis
Sam can still hear him.

Humpty Dumpty by center_galaxy (also here)
"Castiel never understood why a nursery rhyme about a broken egg was so important until after he broke Sam's wall. Now, the angel is left to pick up the pieces and try to put Sam back together again."

if salvation only comes when you fall by minviendha
They both had dreams they didn’t talk about. Dean’s were about finding his brother's brains blown out across the wall in a familiar spattering pattern.

It Ends When by RainbowBetty
A series of Hallucifer drabbles (now complete!) on the many ways Luci tortures Sam with this: "End it? This? The paint slowly peeling off your walls, come on, man why would I end it? It ends when you can't take it anymore."

Kings of Medicine by duffmansean
Dean strikes a bargain with Death in exchange for something Sam lost... but not without complications.

On The Edge by center_galaxy
"He's standing on a cliffside somewhere in California. He's looking down at the endless blue sea before him, which spreads out as far as the eye can see. If he were to take a step right now, he could end it all."

Resistant by sideburnsandbowlegs
It seemed like a good idea.

Skin by DeansUnderageBoyfriend
Dean left Sam alone at another trashy motel. That's alright with Sam, until Lucifer starts taunting him. He can handle it though, he just needs to hold out until Dean gets back. Right?

Suicide Shift by Leon Sage
Lucifer bent down and took Sam's face in his hand. 'You and I both know how to make this stop, Sam' he said.

Sympathy for the Devil by FloofeyMarshmallow
Dean walked into the bathroom and did not see what he expected to see. Sam, his baby brother, Sammy, was laying on the ground, unconscious with blood pouring from his wrist at an alarming rate.

Talk Me Off the Ledge by General-Senyaka98
One step and it was all over. He could end the pain he was feeling and prevent himself from causing anymore trouble.

Talk Won't Work This Out. . .? by hillz_85 (also here)
“No. No, y-you don’t need... It’s okay Dean. I... I understand. This isn’t your fault ... you need to, to know that. I’m happy to go now” Sam says weakly and brokenly, but he needed Dean to know this, needed to say it before he wouldn’t be able to.

The Autumn Leaves Fall by cherry916  (also here)
He has a brief sense of guilt about leaving Dean alone but Lucifer is right, Dean's better off without him.

The Long Con by clown_or_midget (also here)
'This is what you want. Everything I have done to you, everything I have said, is what you made happen. I am not real. I am a creation of your mind. And, Sam, your mind wants you to kill yourself.'

This Bewildering House bylustmordred
It occurred to Sam that he might be developing an overactive case of paranoia. But then he remembered the Devil in his head and had to think for a few minutes about whether or not he’d been talking to him aloud as he shopped. He didn’t think so, but he couldn’t be 100% sure.

Violins Aren't That Bad by Desertfyre
As if in a trance, Sam opened his mouth and inserted the gun without moving his eyes from Lucifer.

Whether 'tis Nobler in the Mind To Suffer by mamapranayama
Whether his tormentor was real this time or not, he’d simply had had enough and was too tired to play the victim anymore. It all needed to end -- now.

The Penny Dropped

[Southern Hurt/Comfort]
25 Days of Hurt Sam (Chapter 21-Losing it All) by Center of the Galaxy
"Sam—" Dean begins, but Sam tightens his grip on the gun.
"Don't." He pleads. He can't bear to hear anymore about how he screwed everything up, how he left Dean to rot even though he was sure that Dean had died and left him all alone. He can't deal with one more disapproving glance from his older brother.

Be Free by Lady_Akuma_Wolf
AU from end of Southern Comfort. Sam takes Dean's words to heart, his mind throwing in its own two cents. Believing it is what will make Dean happy, Sam runs and becomes untraceable until it is almost too late. Dean calls in any help he can to find his brother, including angelic assistance. But finding someone with the knowledge Sam has, and who doesn't want to be found, the remaining members of Team Free Will better pull out all the stops, and fast. Sastiel.

Choices by rainbowbetty (also here)
He really had one choice left that made any sense.

Family Problems Finally Resolved by MagicoftheWorld
When Dean told Sam in season 8 that Benny was a better brother than him it broke Sam. After the voicemail and the amulet trashing, it was only a matter of time until Sam broke.

Fell on Black Days by snarkymuch (also here)
You can only take so much before you break. Since Dean returned from purgatory, Sam has been taking hits. This was one hit too many.

Lost Without You by Wincesteriffic Kaz
Sam hits a new low and makes a confession. Post 8x06 "Southern Comfort" a little angst and a lot of cheerful naughty.

No Exit by interflora
I don’t want to do this anymore.

The Worst Kind of Freedom by gammadolphin
The things Dean said to his brother while under the influence of the cursed penny broke something inside of Sam.

Their Own Sense of Normal by Butterflies in Glass
Sam's year alone wasn't so cut and dry and Dean had always known his brother was a good liar. What he can't figure is when Sam got good enough to lie to him, too. Pre-8x01 to 8x15.

What You Don't Know by Quiet Crash
Dean comes back from Purgatory and finds his brother domesticated and withdrawn from the hunting life. Naturally he jumps to the conclusion that Sam abandoned him to find his cursed normal while Dean fought for his life. He should have known not to assume anything when it came to his little brother.

While You Were Gone by waya88
What was the point of even being alive? Everyone who he loved was dead, more importantly, Dean was gone.

(untitled) by reading_is_in
He opened the smeared glass door and took out the first little bottle with its printed label, fumbling the childproof cap for a moment. He was tired. Please, let there be nothing after this.

Season 9

the night was all you had by brokenlittleboy
A sort of band-aid for the issues that Sam and Dean are struggling with this season. Sam and Dean finally talk, and also hug and cry a lot.

Time To Let Go by zubeneschamali
Sam's only been himself again for a few months when an old enemy threatens to end his life for good. Can he trust Dean to save him, or is it better to just let go?

Battered, Broken, Beleauguered

[hurt!sam & sick!sam]
Broken by skag trendy
Complete AU. The bond between the brothers was all too easily broken. Set after the death of Azazel, and assumes Sam didn’t die at the hands of Jake. When he finds out what happened in his absence, Dean tries to find a way back to Sam.

Consequences by skag trendy
'What happens now? I mean, I'm no use to you now right?'

Gifts by Muffy Morrigan
Sam waited until he heard the door close. He knew he didn't have long.

You Better Start Swimming by Alex L. Kerr
Sam tried to sleep a lot. It was the closest thing he could get to death and so he kept trying to get there. Every time he woke up, he felt regret for the day he'd failed in the rehab.


[It shouldn&apos;t happen to a Winchester]
All the Lonely People by homostuck
Sam's not the same anymore.

A Secret Hell by DarkandtwistyGirl
Sam looks at Dean angrily, and says. 'So now you care? Where were you when' Sam stops himself mere seconds from revealing his awful secret, but Dean can tell that Sam was about to say something.

Burn Your Name by smash86
A demon kidnaps Sam and tortures him when he's at his lowest. Sam, being Sam, thinks he deserves it after all he's done.

Fallout by hwficjournal
From Prompt: I want Cas! Lucifer raping Sam in the bunker. I want Lucifer taunting Sam how it is his fault that he had to possess Castiel because he wouldn't say yes. I want Dean finding Sam later battered and raped. Then I want a lot of hurt Sam and comforting Dean. If you can throw an attempted suicide there it'd be awesome but it isn't necessary.

Heavy Affliction by ShhUrDead678
On a hunt, Dean and John learn some things about Sam he has been holding out on.

Keep Holding On by PrinceofHell
Sam's got a crush on his 17 year old brother. He knows it's wrong, but he knows he can't help it either. Someone a very not-nice someone at his school suspects something weird is going on with him and does something about it. It all goes downhill.

On the Side of the Road by jasmineisland
Prompt: Back in season 5, after Dean and Sam split up; Sam hitchhikes, thing is, the angels are out to tear him apart.

Sam's Hell by BerrySPNFMA
Sam can't take it anymore, he wouldn't let that man hurt him again.

Whether 'tis Nobler in the Mind To Suffer by mamapranayama
Whether his tormentor was real this time or not, he’d simply had had enough and was too tired to play the victim anymore. It all needed to end -- now.

The Pangs of Despis'd Love


A Pretty Good Day by Winnie_Chester
This is the way Sam’s world ends.

Baba O'Riley and Eleanor Rigby Walk Into a Bar by sammehsayum
When Dean Winchester was four years old he almost lost his younger brother for the first time to a fire. When Dean Winchester was eighteen he almost lost his brother a second time to a full bathtub and a pack of sleeping pills, citing some decidedly unbrotherly feelings in his suicide note. At twenty-two he's about to lose him for a third time to Stanford University.

Desperate Measures by meganlouise86 (also here and here)
Sam is totally alone - he's just lost his big brother too, the last person in his life he really cares about, and is prepared to do whatever it takes to try to make the pain stop.

Everything is not okay by NeoCortex
'When you didn't answer the phone this time I thought' He stammered and cried harder, 'You usually answer every once in a while' Sam gagged on his words. 'W-when you didn't answer tonight I thought- I'm sorry Dean! I'm so sorry!'

Fireworks by JHandAC
So, maybe, just maybe, Sam could make it right.

Five different ways to die by CatherineWinner
Sam couldn't save him so he starts planning his backup plan.

In Your Warm Arms by slsh_lvr08
'What were you thinking?”  “That you left me. That you weren’t coming back.”

Keep Holding On by PrinceofHell
Sam's got a crush on his 17 year old brother. He knows it's wrong, but he knows he can't help it either. Someone a very not-nice someone at his school suspects something weird is going on with him and does something about it. It all goes downhill.

Lost Without You by Wincesteriffic Kaz
Sam hits a new low and makes a confession. Post 8x06 "Southern Comfort" a little angst and a lot of cheerful naughty.

Love of a Reaper by CrankyWhenProvoked
Dean is a reaper and more times than he wishes to count, comes face to face with a young man named Sam.

No Exit by interflora
I don’t want to do this anymore.

Not Enough by cherry916(also here)
When cutting himself stops becoming enough Sam decides to do something a little more drastic.

Nothing But The Truth by glowystars325
While on a hunt, Sam accidentally gets more than he bargained for when he asked for the truth.

Remove All The Pieces One By One by Blue_Jay
"I've been watching to make sure you won't kill yourself since you were twelve. I haven't really succeeded either."

Sam and the Eternal Quest for Absolution by sarahjeanne21
Sam's guilt is eating him inside out and he likes his brother a little too much.

The Dark Interior Life of Sam Winchester by Winnie_Chester
Sam spent a lot of time imagining how he would kill himself. It was the most fucked up thing he did, which is saying something for someone who got off at least once a week while imagining his brother’s perfect lips wrapped around his cock.

What Do You Want Me To Be? by fic_freaknout
When Sam breaks, will Dean be able to notice in time?

What You Don't Know by silvery-midnight
Things haven't been the same after Dean's return from Purgatory. As the distrust and secrecy between the brothers grow, Dean's questioning how true Sam's story of that time is. Especially when something's so obviously off about Sam.

When You Were Gone bytheperksofhavingatimeturner
This time it was Sam's turn to look away, refusing to believe he was actually going to tell Dean this now, after everything they'd been through, and everything he could lose.

You are my Hope by badmoonrisingccr
Dean's words rang coldly in his head.

None of the Above Actually, All of the above

[Because, reasons. ALL the reasons.]

A Letter To My Brother by toratio
For the Experimental Bingo square 'epistolary', a final letter from Sam Winchester

at least that's what they tell me by The Bookkeeper
Sam's fine. Except that he hasn't been, ever.

Coping by HCAddict
S10. Sam ponders some of the hurtful things Dean has said over the years. He feels hopeless.

Cost by Faye Dartmouth
After years on the road, Sam reaches a breaking point.

Deep in the Meadow by AFlushedKindOfLover
If Sam was quite honest with himself, there were a lot of things he was afraid of. Losing Dean, losing his autonomy, relapsing on demon blood.
But really, the worst thing he was afraid of was himself.

Let It Go by anon
From prompt:When Sam stepped out of hunting after the leviathans, he thought he was making the right call. Everyone gets to retire sometime, right? Even priests? He'd served an eternity of torture in Hell, come out of it only watch his entire family killed - even people like his grandfather he'd never had a chance to know. Lost his mind when the only angel he believed in broke it wide open. Fought evil so huge and powerful that destroying it took away his father figure, took away his brother, took away the angel, took away his future - he couldn't even go into any big city after the killing spree the leviathans had gone on wearing his and Dean's faces. Back at the height of being crazy, he'd wanted to kill himself, and the feeling had never really gone away, of being trapped, doomed. He couldn't kill himself, that would be unforgivable, might even send him back to hell. Dean was already getting his retirement up in heaven; surely Sam deserved the same on earth?

But apparently, he thought wrong. Dean's words cut him to the core; there's no out of this life, there's never going to get to be one. Dean doesn't need him, can barely stand to be around him, told him in one year a monster was better at being a brother than him. So Sam's done the unforgivable already; what's one more unforgivable thing?

Someone - Cas, Benny, Kevin, even Dean - realizes how close Sam is to killing himself, and how starved he's been for feeling loved and valued. Can be sex or just kissing and physical contact.

No Dominion by center_galaxy
Sam's lost a lot of things in his life--his chance at a normal life, his lovers, and now his health--but with Sarah's death weighing on him, he's also losing hope.
It's up to Dean to change that.

Sam in the Fog by excoyote(also here)
Sam feels distant and disconnected from his emotions. He decides to end his life. Dean brings him back to himself.

Shots by gothpandaotaku
After the events of Dark Dynasty Sam comes to the realization, with the help of a bottle of whiskey, that he can't watch another person he cares about die. So he'll take the one to blame out of the equation: himself.

Your Sins Into Me by heavenofhell
(Set in S7) Sam has had enough. He's tired of fighting, and can think of only one way out. But things have never gone according to plan for Sam Winchester.

None of the Above

[more of those shocks that flesh is heir to]
A Broken Heart Beats Too by AxlM
1.22. AU. Sam shot his father when the YED possessed him. Now he's desperate to make it up to a broken and angry Dean, and his hurtful words and actions grows his desperation even more. long

Because the Beyond Called by mentholpixie
Dean is a large, dark blur wavering above Sam's face, identifiable only by the smell of gun oil and leather and the fact that he's here while Sam's feeling like death.

Blood, Bone, and Familyby brokenangel6662
Season 5. Something threatens Sam, himself. And it leads Dean, Castiel, and even Gabriel to reveal how they feel about the youngest Winchester. At least post-5x10

Blood Ties by KB49
Dean threw away the amulet. Sam understands. He's considering throwing away his life.

Day of Reckoning by kelhome
Tag to 6.11. Sam is back and Dean has to remind him that that's a good thing.

Decisions In Blood by KateCyrus
Season Two- Tag: When Dean almost flat lines, Sam has an emotional breakdown which drives him to drastic measures in hope of contacting his brother’s spirit.

Emptiness and Razor Blades by Captains Shadow
Some days I did it just to see if this life was anything other than one hellish nightmare.

Fade To Black by AElizabeth
John is dead, leaving both his sons grief-stricken and confused. They slowly make their way to Sioux Falls where Dean begins to heal with the help of Bobby and his beloved Impala. Sam, though, is silently spiralling into despair and he can only hold on for so long.

Get Hurt by safiyabat
"I'm going to go get my brother some cholesterol. And then I'm going to go get drunk."

Just a year by RandomActsofSambriel
The leaves fell off the trees, they look dead. I can't help but be a little jealous.

I Couldn't Sleep by AngstyAly
Sam's in the hospital and Dean reflects.

I'm holding a gun to my head (and I think I might pull the trigger) by MinaRosette
He's done some terrible things. He's hurt people, broken families, betrayed people who trusted him. People he loved. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe he is a monster. He wonders if a bullet will fix it all.

It's A Wonderful Life (Really, it is) by CaptainLucifer
Sam pushes himself up and looks around at the papers scattered all over his desk like they might hold some deeper meaning or an answer for him. They don't, of course. And then he stands up and crosses the room and opens a desk drawer to look inside like it might hold an answer for him. It does. And it's in the shape of a gun.
AU Sam/Lucifer

"It's gonna be okay. I've got him." by i-ve-got-him
Done for a prompt from spnfan19. Dean finds out about Sam’s attempted suicide after Dean went to Purgatory.

Let Go by irismay42
A rash of suicides lead Sam and Dean to a vengeful spirit taken before her time. With the body count rising, the Winchesters must put an end to the specter's machinations before one of them becomes her next victim...

Long Shadows by Jedi Sapphire
Six years after the Winchesters spent a few weeks in the small town of Campbell Pass, Sam and Dean are back in town on a case. They'll find that not all evil is supernatural, and this job will lead to the revelation of secrets Sam hoped to keep hidden. Set in Season 1.
Many a long night by girlfan1979

Maybe by white chocolate panda
Pre-series. Sam is failing to adjust to life at Stanford. He knows nobody, has no friends, and his family has disowned him. He tried to be happy at school, but he can't shake his regret at losing everyone he loves to follow what now seems to be a pointless dream. With no one to turn to and nothing to hold on for, can Sam dig himself out of his depression? Or will it consume him?

Napoleons by scriptcat
Sam seeks help at a hospital for depression. This is Sam’s journey with Dean an important part of the arc. unfinished

Needed by noobieninja
Dean is the eldest, Adam is the beloved little brother, and Sam is left to pick up the pieces of himself every time his family shatters him.

Old Yeller Style by iliketocolor
Set in the beginning of Season 8. Cas isn't back yet, but Dean is, and Sam can't stand that he'd left his brother to rot in Purgatory while he got a girlfriend and a dog, trying to live a normal life. After Dean finds Sam with his own gun to his head, the boys have a heart-to-heart.

One Last Candle (to Keep Out the Night) by Bates
Sam Winchester was lost. Lost big time. He once had his brother to help him when he really wasn't in a good place, but now?
Now even Dean is gone. With Dean gone and Gabriel gone too, he just doesn't know what to do. Terrified of his own thoughts, he writes a letter to Gabriel, bringing back memories he hoped he'd never have to face again.

Perchance to Dreamby geminigrl11
Dean helps Sam sleep, with unexpected consequences.

Perfect Timing by moosiferlove
The angels are pressuring Sam to take his role as Lucifer's vessel. Sam, who is no stranger to self-harm, decides that the easiest escape would be to kill himself. But what happens when Gabriel walks in on him? And what will the consequences of his actions be when the rest of their quirky little family finds out? WIP

Rage and Love by DisenchantedDestroya
There's only so much someone can take before they snap, before they do something desperate. And it looks like Sam's just snapped. Set somewhere in Season Five. Suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Sastiel.

Repercussion by Amy Renee
Dean isn't taking the recent deaths of his friends very well. Unfortunately, he is too withdrawn to notice that he's not the only one who's hurting, and it might cost him dearly.

Retrospective by ithuriel788 (also here)
Dean is certain that Sam is planning to run away again. He's right, sort of.

Ringtone by debbiel66
He can still hear Lucifer whispering in his ear. And without Dean, Sam doesn’t trust himself not to listen.

Rolling the Dice by SnarkyMuch2
Life and loss are piling on top of Sam and he feels like there is no where left to turn. Will John and Dean notice in time?

Sammy's Problem by himqwerty
Sam was beaten by John as a kid, and since then has cut himself to relieve the pain. This time, he decides to end it all. Can Dean save him again, this time from himself?

Sticks and Stones by center_galaxy
Words can never be unsaid. Choices can never be unmade. And forgiveness is never as easy as saying sorry.

Stars in a Bottle by NotQuiteInsane
"Break. You're already broken. It shouldn't take much to crush yourself to dust."

The ABC of Limp Sam (Chapter 19)by Lonnie
Chapter 19: S - Suicidal
- Alt. ending to "When the Levee Breaks" and "Lucifer Rising"

The Darkness Between by Faye Dartmouth
'Max was right, Dean. There's only one way to end this.

The End by cucoo4cas
10x17 coda. Sam realizes there was more help in Metatron's words than not. He sneaks out of the bunker in a desperate attempt to save Dean's life.

Unfreeze by WincheseterPooja. Also here.
He almost doesn't get out of bed again; because he's tired — too tired, and his bones, and fingers, and hair are tired. His soul is tired.

Unloved by Skye1963
Sam believes that he is unloved so much he wants to die. Then a visitor tells him dfferently.

Voices by SilverMidnight52
Castiel has been watching Sam for a long time. Now that Castiel is here in person can he save Sam from himself? Sam/Castiel loving!

What Doesn't Kill You by jaded_reality  (also here)
Dean comes back to the boys' motel room in time to learn that there are any number of secrets Sam is hiding.

While You Were Missing by jasmineisland (also here)
“S’not a party. It’s a wake.” Tripping over the coffee table, Sam reached for one of the bottles that didn’t fall and drank the last few drops.

Wrung Out by themegalosaurus (also here)<
Even both times Dean had died since then, Sam hadn’t really managed to cry.

For suicidal!sam + death!fic see Suicidal!Sam Compendium II

Tags: compendia, spn, suicidal!sam
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